BATCH FILM REVIEW NUMBER ONE:

Right – first off, I am not a movie buff and just know that my list does not cover latest movies only, basically anything that I’ve watched in the last year or so.

Bear in mind that I don’t watch a lot of movies – I try to, I check the trailers, make the must see lists but there’s just no follow through.  Regardless, I’m doing batch film reviews, because I want to, and because you know – efficiency and stuff. Here we go:

  1. Violet and Daisy: Very stylised, very much blue eyes, very meh.
  2. Short Term 12: Just Lovely. Love Brie Larson.
  3. Now you see me: Not bad.
  4. Drinking buddies: Snooze fest. Good cast though. Still, snooze fest.
  5. About time: Boring. Didn’t even finish it.
  6. Kings of summer: More like kings of bummer.
  7. Man of steel: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a waste of a super -hot guy in a superman costume. Super. Boring.
  8. Malificent: Love Elle fanning. Apparently sleeping beauty only took a power
  9. Lego movie: EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!! Umts, umts, umts!
  10. The Other Woman: Not going to win any Oscars. Surprisingly okay-ish.
  11. Walk of shame: Please see comments above.
  12. X-men days of future something: Cool Magneto special effects. Too much talking. You can do better X-men people. For shame.
  13. Gone Girl: So many surprises! Ghaaad
  14. The Giver: This movie should be released to elsewhere. (Inside joke)
  15. The Kitchen: Interesting premise. Love how it was shot.
  16. It’s a disaster: Weirdly awesome movie – love it when the world ends.
  17. In a world: Something different.
  18. Seeking a friend: Loooooooooooooooove!
  19. What if: Daniel Radcliffe is adorable! Romantic lead actually suits him
  20. Chef: Om nom nom! TOASTIES!
  21. The fault in our stars: It’s a metaphor.
  22. Begin again: Light and lovable.
  23. The spectacular now: Please rename to the spectacular bore.
  24. The amazing spider man 2: More like the a-meh-zing spider man.

Batch film edited

Okay that covers the list of movies I’ve watched or attempted to watch. Stay tuned for more batch film reviews. Or don’t. I might not do this again. Who knows. Anyway.

Uncharted territory

Today I’ll be taking some time to tell you a little more about charts and graphs, because I love charts…and graphs. They’re useful, sometimes colourful and they come in all different shapes and sizes. For the most part though we only know about the most commonly used ones like the column graph, the line graph or the pie chart, but there are so many more out there! Like the radial tree chart, or the doughnut chart or the multi-level pie chart.

I will be focusing mainly on the doughnut chart, because it sounds adorable! Now I don’t really know how doughnut charts work, but I suppose it’s more or less the same as a pie chart, just less full. I, myself have never used one and I just feel like now is the time to change that.

So there are two types of doughnut charts (apparently): doughnut and exploded doughnut. Yes, EXPLODED DOUGHNUT, I mean how badass is that? Why on earth are we still using pie charts? And why aren’t there any exploding pie charts? (Just googled it, there are.) Now don’t bother firing up google to look these up for yourself, I have saved you the trouble of doing so by drawing them up below.

I think I did a pretty decent job, I used Word 2010 mainly because I haven’t yet upgraded to Word 2014. I selected the 2D option, because of reasons and I decided to stick with the colours they gave me to save time.

doughnut chart

[Saving you time.]

I know, they don’t look nearly as cool as they sound. Which is why I added an instagram filter and some flames to rectify the situation.

flames chart - rename

[I am so goddamn crafty.]

Now why even would we use a doughnut chart instead of a pie chart? Just because it sounds cuter? Of course not, there are many reasons, and to understand them we must first explore the differences between the two.

For example, a doughnut chart displays category groups, series groups, and values series as doughnut slices. Whereas a pie chart displays category groups, series groups and value series as pie slices. And pies and doughnuts are not the same, so neither are the charts named after them, even if they do exactly the same thing. Truth be told, nobody even calls them ‘doughnut slices’ – they’re simply referred to as ‘pieces’ or ‘bites’.

This is quite complex though so I drafted another chart to better illustrate:

[Same difference.]

[Same difference.]

Okay so it turns out nothing is different, which leads me to believe that these charts would be most efficiently used if they were to be combined to make one seriously cute chart called the Exploding Pie-nut chart. (Please refrain from any Spar-Letta Pine-Nut jokes – I’m just not in mood. And you can do better.)

Also here’s the chart. And a bunny, because they’re cute too.

[Whup - There it is!]

[Cute bunny says Pacman!]

THE FOLLOWING: AN ATTEMPTED PUBLIC APOLOGY TO MY VERY TINY FOLLOWING

To the 15 people who follow and read my blog. I am sorry that we’re still only in the double digits. It must not be easy to carry the obligation of having to read stuff that no one else has to. Bear in mind that it was my intention to have MILLIONS of followers by now, but clearly life just doesn’t give a shit about what my intentions are.

Followers

[FOR NOW!]

See the plan was to grow slow at first, until ‘someone’ discovers me and they’d be like oh snap – this is THE BEST BLOG EVAR! They’d share my awesome posts on various social media sites which brings me many, many, MANY followers.

So now because of all my followers, advertisers will be begging me for some advertising space and shit. I take some time to consider, and I only settle on really cool non annoying ads – don’t worry there will be no pop-up crap. Some of my fans will tweet about how I’ve become a sell-out, and I’ll brush their hateful comments off my shoulders with my many wads of cash.

pop ups

[skip ad in 5 seconds]

As mentioned above, I would now be making tons of money from my very successful blog, so naturally people will be calling me up saying: “Hay, I want to buy the rights to your blog” – and I’ll be like “NO! My imaginary story is not done yet, please call back at the end of this post” and they’ll go “Okay, when will that be?” And I’ll be like “Oh my GOD! Get out of my head” and then they’ll hang up. Finaly.

Okay, so now I’m famous and stuff and everyone wants a piece of Tapes. Time Magazine contacts me for an interview, which doesn’t surprise me so I reply ‘Ain’t nobody got time for Time’. And then we giggle because I’m so cute.

[Ermahgerd!]

[Ermahgerd!]

Eventually I do get my cover story and my TV appearances and by now I have even more money, so obviously I donate some to Piracy, BECAUSE PIRACY CARES MAN. I then use the rest of my fortune to finally give back to my followers in the form of some cash prizes, random freebies and exotic holidays to EVERYWHERE, but here’s the catch – the 15 people who are following me now are the only people who are EVER going to win anything, because I’m going to rig the competition in their favour – every goddamn time. (See loyalty needs to be rewarded, and I just want to be liked, and it’s easier to like someone when they’re giving you tons of free crap.)

And then someone calls me up and asks to buy a share in my blog, and I’m like, you know what Mark Z, why the hell not.

Meaningless meanings

So I was feeling a little philosophical the other day, contemplating what the meaning of life is – which is actually just another way of saying that I was bored and my series was still busy downloading. Be that as it may, there I was, pondering away. Thinking about how much time we spend doing things we’re told we have to do. Doing them because it’s the way the world works. Like having a job so that you can bring home the bacon or respecting your elders and other stupid shit like that.

enhanced-buzz-13186-1365620940-21

[Don’t we all.]

 Let’s take this having a job nonsense, it’s not really something anyone wants to do, but we want to buy stuff so we have to do it. Which is fair, and I’m generally okay with that, but it just takes up so much of my time!

I don’t dislike working per se; I just don’t like how it makes things that are really important to other people my problem. Like their tax returns, their health, and their education – I mean good lord, just solve your own problems already.

It_41c9a5_2780949

Working is important though and I used to think ‘no worries, I’ll just put in the time and work hard now so that I can give my unborn kids a better life someday’, but screw my unborn kids and their selfish entitled-ness man. What about me – NOW?

Who is going to watch my TV if I’m always out working to build a better life and shit. I have to look out for my own needs while I can, because no-one else will.

Life is short and I might not get to watch all the series I want. What if die before I’ve finished watching all my favourite shows? WHAT IF I NEVER KNOW HOW THEY END!?

You think my job gives a shit about how far behind I am with all my stories? I mean I haven’t even started with Castle season 6 yet – some lead character might have died and I don’t even know.

Just last year one of my favourite characters was killed off in The Good Wife, and it was like no one even cared, they just expect me to carry on with my life like its nothing.

He was a fictional character sure, but I’ve been pretending to know him for THE PAST FIVE YEARS. And I know that there are plenty of other fictional fish in the sea (-ries), but it’s not that easy to just move on and pretend to know someone else. It’s a whole lot of Wikipedia searches, browsing through google images, I mean who has the time? And what kind of strain won’t that put on all my existing-pretend-relationships.

TV-HOF - Copy

[Something funny about The Good Wife.]

 All I’m asking for here is a little compassion, and perhaps a longer lunch break so that I can watch some episodes at work – it would just really lighten the load. Pay it forward, and stop blocking our internet access, downloading series at home takes forever, and we’ve already covered how strapped for time I am.

Turns out the meaning of my life is directly related to the internet and the stronger the Wi-Fi signal, the happier I am.

Caught in the gadgetry

I’m not really a ‘techy’ person, but I suppose that’s mainly because I can’t afford to spoil myself with all the latest trendy gadgety must haves.

I do try to at least read up about all of them though, not in a hardcore research manner, mostly just rankings, reviews and what have you’s.

pic20150401212450

[Gadget Galore.]

 Now in addition to all this useless research I also like to imagine that I actually do own all this crap – it’s not exactly the same, but it does ease the first world problem pains…in a much cheaper albeit sadder way.

Like just the other night I dreamt that I had the Acer Aspire R7 laptop, and I was flipping it every which way, carrying it around and shit, scrolling through all my games and apps, because really what the hell am I supposed to do with that thing, but scroll through games and apps on its crisp, full HD, touch screen monitor. It was lovely though – I woke up smiling, kind of, I don’t really know, it was so early. (Allow me to clarify that this is not a promotion for said laptop, but if you happen to have some spare change lying around – buy it – it’s awesome.)

pic20150401212717

pic20150401212827

[Acer aspire – hot damn.]

Moving on.

So there I was, still soaking up the glories of my fake dream laptop and how badass dream me is, when I see my current laptop, lame and flip-free. And as if that wasn’t enough – my bank balance flashes before my eyes – matrix style and I am swiftly brought back to life. Keeping it real, kicking back with my low end crap – peasant style.

Such is life though, we want what we can’t have and don’t need, because gadgets are cool and adverts are from the devil. It is what it is, and gadgetless and dull I remain. It’s not a bad life overall, at least this way I can still afford other cool things like gas and food and clothing…that’s been reduced to sell.

Nevertheless, I am one resourceful fool and I have thus found ways around having to own all these ‘can’t haves’ – so let’s say what you want is the flagship cell phone of company ABC, here’s what you do:

  1. Buy a mid-range cell phone, BUT save pictures of top end devices on your phone. This way you still have the pleasure of glancing upon the top end beauties without spending the big bucks. 
    HTC an lumia

    [Improvise.]

  2. Make everyone think that the lack of ownership was YOUR choice. For example:
  • “It’s too commercial – I prefer this crappy phone that no-one else has.”
  • “I like the smaller pixelated screen where I have to squint in order to see shit – It makes me feel like I earn it more.”
  1. Tell yourself and everyone else compensating lies about why you don’t ‘yet’ own said device. For instance:
  • “I wanted to buy the top of the range one, but they were out of stock.”
  • “The sellers sent the wrong product and it was too much of a hassle to send it back.”
  • “My real phone broke/was stolen/eaten by my fictional-gadget-eating pet.”
  • If all else fails just blame it on apartheid.
OutOfStock1

[Conveniently.]

  1. Fake a phone call and avoid having to explain your shitty cell phone. (Tapes Tip: fake phone calls are great in any- and every situation.)
  2. Last, but not least – get a giant overdraft and make tons of debt, it’s reckless and stupid, but hay what is life without a little reckless abandon. And some soul crunching debt.

I AM NOT IMMORTAL

It’s no secret that I am slightly obsessed with the concept of immortality; or more specifically this implication that everyone somehow wishes that they were immortal. I briefly touched on this topic in my very first post, but seeing as how it sends me off into a blind rant, I thought it best to cut the ranting short. It has been more than a year since then though so I feel like the time has come for me to bring it up again.

Rest assured that this is by no means a detailed discussion on the subject; Lord knows I hardly know enough about anything to have any detailed discussions like EVER.

So here’s my main beef with the concept, it’s just so highly overrated. I mean you’d only want to be immortal if all your important people were immortal too right? Now how exactly does that work? I’d imagine that at some point aging has to stop, so what if you have kids – does their aging stop too? This essentially means that they would then be kids forever; I mean that’s just not cool.

And while we’re on the subject of kids, would one even be able to procreate? If so, would this lead to immortal babies? Thus, little creepy babies who stay babies forever or do they grow up to a certain age and then become immortal? Now, can we please just have another moment to mention BABIES FOREVER.

Also what does this mean for the medical industry? Because if everybody is immortal is there even a need for health care? Would people even get sick? They’d still get hurt I imagine, but seeing as we’re all immortal and shit we can just suck it up and wait out the pain while our awesome cells regenerate. Perhaps just manufacture a butt load of pain killers.

All things considered – this immortality concept is really cool in the movies and series where they cast all these good-looking people who stay stuck in between ages eighteen and thirty-five, but other than that it’s just silly.

What is this undeniable need that people have to live forever? Were it not for the inevitability of death, how would we ever appreciate the gift of time? Or the beauty in fleeting moments. The urgency in chasing achievements and just the simple satisfaction of reaching goals.

Like it or not, it’s the inescapability of death that makes life interesting.

[Meaningful captions are really challenging]

[Finding meaningful captions are really challenging.]

Phase one – The lead-up

Earlier in the year I did a post about what I’d like my funeral playlist  to be. I know that it sounds really sombre and shit and that’s probably because it was. It’s for my funeral after all? I can’t have them scattering my ashes to Skrillex’s Bamarang. (Actually that would be kind of boss – lets add that to the list.)

ANYWAY – I suppose that this is sort of similar in the sense that I will again be making playlists but it’s also not the same, because it’s not for my funeral. (I feel like I might be saying the word funeral too much? Is this weird? Has everyone stopped reading by now?)

AAAAANYWAY! (Good lord why can’t I focus!) This time around I’m doing break up playlists – the only thing is that literally every second song is about ‘breaking up’ so one can only imagine my predicament given the giant pool of choices I am saddled with.

Not all of these songs can be lumped together though, because even though they might all be about breaking up, they’re not all the same. So I’m doing ‘my playlists’ in phases, namely:

  • Phase one: The lead-up
  • Phase two: The Follow Through
  • Phase three: Dealing
  • Phase four: Dealt

I am sure that there are lots of other ‘in-betweeny’ phases but let’s not delve in too deep, because really who even cares. (Please note: The names of the above mentioned phases are subject to change.)

Now the ‘lead-up’: This represents that pre-break up phase where you know it’s not right and you know where things are heading and this small selection of songs all touch on that. So Let’s go!

  1. Rooney – Losing all control

This is, without a doubt, my all-time favourite Rooney song. That intro, those lyrics and the guitar – just perfection.

This, too me, sounds like an on/off type of thing where it doesn’t work, but still they keep trying. Then again how would I know? I didn’t write it, I’m just making assumptions again. Feel free to make your own – or don’t. (No pressure.)

Stand out lyrics – Once again we’ve gone off track and lost all hope of coming back. / It’s time to work – the work is useless now.

 

  1. The Hoosiers – Clinging on for life

Doesn’t the intro sound a bit like Hey there Delilah by The Plain White T’s? Moving on.

This song really is short, sweet and simple. It says all it needs to say in a quick 2.44 minutes and I love the way the lead singer goes all falsetto at the end.

He starts out so calm and collected like ‘Hay, I know this has to happen’, but then at the end it’s a little more tortured, like ‘Hay! Shits getting real and now I can’t deal.’ And then there’s that whistling at the end man – shcweet.

Stand out lyrics:  Made enough mistakes between, the two of us to sink this thing – We’re still clinging on for life.

 

  1. John Mayer – Slow dancing in a burning room

Not a big fan of this guy, but here he makes the guitar wail and it is just SO. GOD. DAMNED. BEAUTIFUL. (Sigh)

Stand out lyrics: We’re going down, And you can see it too. We’re going down, And you know that we’re doomed. My dear, We’re slow dancing in a burning room.

 

  1. Maroon 5 – Nothing lasts forever

It’s kind of nice to hear something that’s a bit more ‘up-beat’. It is sad, but it doesn’t bring you down and it’s actually just a nice ‘sing-along’. Adam is obviously a lot happier about breaking up with people.

Stand out lyrics: I love you, but I’m letting go. / It hurts but it might be the only way 

 

  1. Taking back Sunday – New American classic

Something about Taking back Sunday that makes me feel like I’m back in high school, discovering good music and thinking that Adam Lazzara is the bee’s knees.

Needless to say, they have got to be on the list and this raw acoustic tune is just beautiful.

Stand out lyrics: Try to avoid it, but there’s not a doubt and there’s one thing I can do nothing about. / Just ask the question come untie the knot – say you won’t care.

 

  1. Dashboard Confessional – Ghost of a good thing

I’ll admit that I’m not sure whether this song really belongs in this phase or any of the others even, but I am inclined to think it does. I also feel like any playlist would be all sorts of incomplete without the likes of some Chris Carrabba making his appearance.

Again, just simple acoustics, simple – pretty lyrics. If its good, you really don’t need much else.

Stand out lyrics:  Maybe it’s love but it’s like you said, Love is like a role that we play. / Just bend the pieces ’til they fit, Like they were made for it. But they weren’t meant for this. No they weren’t meant for this.

That’s a wrap on phase one, please add some of your own suggestions in the comments!